The Danger of Narcissism
I am compelled to write about this topic because my own experience with narcissistic abuse is being reenacted in front of me every single day. I had finally come to a truce with it all and was moving on, but the events of late have brought it all back one hundredfold. Watching two American Citizens being murdered by our own government and then lying about it, when we all can see what happened, is shocking and traumatizing all over again. This is at the hands of a malignant narcissist supported by his flying monkeys. Gaslighting at its finest. But the question is, are we too shocked to do anything about it? I know when I was faced with the truth about my relationship with my narcissistic ex and what he was and what he had done, I was so shocked I didn’t know how to process it. Then there are the secret Magas who enjoy watching this shitshow of a government mistreat its own citizens. Trump has empowered their hatred and fear.
Narcissism isn’t just a catch phrase encompassing the behaviors of someone who is simply self-centered; it is a “mental disorder” recognized by the psychological community and listed in the mental health bible, the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition) under the cluster B personality disorders. Narcissism is described as a self-centered personality disorder characterized by excessive preoccupation with oneself and one’s own needs, at the expense of others. The term narcissism is named for the Greek mythological figure, Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection. A fitting name for this disorder, but not, in my opinion, dark enough.
I could go on and on and describe and list all the traits and behaviors that people with NPD exhibit, but a simple Google search will find a plethora of information about narcissism. Or better yet, tune in to the news at night, and you can see it firsthand. According to the DSM-5, there are nine traits/behaviors that define NPD, and the person must exhibit at least five to be diagnosed. I can name all nine of them and have experienced every single one of them during my relationship with my narcissistic ex. And unless you have had more than a casual experience with a narcissist, you have no idea what it is like. Lying, gaslighting, cheating, double lives, secrets, triangulation, and manipulation are just a few examples. But there are not enough negative words in the English language to list them all. So, what makes a narcissist so dangerous? I am here to tell you that it is their very essence, or lack thereof. And once you see what they truly are, you can’t unsee it.
A narcissist, in a word, never fully matured emotionally and most likely had some kind of back story, such as abuse, neglect, or even overindulgence, in their formative years from their primary caregiver(s). Narcissistic personality disorder is not an “acute” disorder; it is a disorder that develops early on and throughout one’s life and produces coping strategies to manage one’s emotional distress. Unfortunately, these coping strategies are traits and behaviors that, instead of having a positive effect on the narcissist’s life, become maladaptive, destructive, and damaging to the people involved with them.
Because they have problems understanding and regulating their emotions, there is a very thin-skinned quality to narcissism, and they can easily be offended. The slightest criticism can turn them vindictive and seek revenge, sometimes leading to violence. They have a good memory of perceived slights and hold grudges forever. And the funny thing about narcs, they can say and do whatever they want, whenever they want, but the moment you question them or challenge them, it is a federal offence and out comes the big revenge and hatred guns. Since, in their minds, they are entitled to any of their heart’s desires, they become arrogant and empowered when they get away with it. All relationships with a narcissist are transactional and not based upon personal merit. And they will discard you from their lives the moment you stop giving them what they want or need, without a backward glance. Narcissists are not just liars; they are fundamentally dishonest, and you can be sure that if their lips are moving, they are lying! They can look you in the eyes and lie directly to your soul and then walk away and shrug that shit off.
The biggest reason that narcissists are dangerous is that they lack a moral compass. The DSM-5 calls it a lack of empathy, but it is way more than that. True, narcissists can’t “connect” with other humans; therefore, they can’t understand that another person has value beyond what you can do for them. Oh, they know what empathy and love are supposed to look like. And they often mirror the qualities of the people around them to blend in with society. But they have no idea what it really is or how it “feels.” They have no honor or integrity, and no abuse is off-limits when dealing with them, making them completely untrustworthy.
Because of their sense of entitlement, they do whatever they want, whenever they want, and do not care, no matter how much it hurts the other person. And, if they are caught, they will become the victim and deflect the blame. I watch Trump and his flying monkeys (those that do the narc’s bidding), lie, not just to the American people but the world every single day without conscience or consequence. The fact that Kristi Noem can stand there on national television and lie unabashedly about the latest ICE killing of Alex Paretti and how he was “violently resisting” when the entire world saw how it went down is a perfect example of narcissistic gaslighting. A vile, soulless freak that sucks on Trump’s orange Kool-Aid, twisting the facts to avoid accountability, another stellar narc trait. Trump incites, supports, and encourages it all, and keeps score of those who are loyal or not. The scary thing is that all these people have varying degrees of narcissism. And the more violent it all gets, the more empowered they are. They feed off one another, and when this begins, the results are more dire. Everything they do has a dark undercurrent and a mean-spirited air. We are seeing this play out during Trump’s reign every single day. The same was true in my relationship. Every shitty scummy thing he did there was no reason for except meanness and selfishness. He stuck around to glean whatever else he could get before he discarded me for good, and even sent out an exploratory text a few months later to see if I was still out there and how I would react.
Another good example, although not as dramatic, is when my now ex-N looked into my eyes the morning I left to go visit my best friend to recover from the horrors of chemo and offered to drive me to the airport, seemingly a kind gesture. Except that he wanted to stop at the DMV (on the way), so I could put his van back in his name. I had been insuring his car and keeping it in my name for our entire relationship because he had no license or money. He knew he was getting married in less than two weeks, and he was getting his ducks in a row. This was one loose end he had to tie up with me, despite my nagging him for years to get his license back. Narcs never do anything for anybody unless there is something in it for them.
The details don’t matter; the point is that he actually did these things and deflected the blame onto me. It is not a theory or speculation; it all happened, and then some. Processing the nature of these behaviors can be highly traumatizing, as it was for me. And what is mentioned here is only the tip of the iceberg of the horrible things he has done in our relationship alone. There isn’t much difference between Donald Trump and my ex, except that the ex is a “covert” narcissist and Trump is a “malignant” narcissist. The difference is that Trump is overt, loud, and brash, and it is obvious that he is a narcissist. Brian, on the other hand, is sneaky and quiet about his manipulation and abuse. He subtly uses isolation, passive aggression as manipulation, silent treatment, and other forms of triangulation and gaslighting. And he doesn’t have the power or the money that Trump has, but if he did, their likeness would be uncanny, at least as far as depravity.
It is obvious what the dangers are, so how do we deal with them? Learning about narcissism after my ex “discarded” me was what kept me from a complete nervous breakdown, although it was close. The most effective way is to go “no contact.” Cutting all ties and communication is the best way to move forward, and the sooner you reach this conclusion and act, the better off you will be. It is not always possible, but whenever it is, that is the best solution. We can’t do that with Trump, but we can limit our exposure, support one another, and, most importantly, do the right thing. Vote!