Real Gratitude
Real Gratitude
As 2025 comes to a close, I am contemplating this past year. It has been a year of real respite for me, and a time of letting go. Part of that process was working through it all, and my blog was a place to do that. I intended to talk about my treatment experience to inform others who are going or about to go through treatment, what it is like. When you are diagnosed with cancer, it is monumental, and you need the proper support. And, unfortunately, for me, it all came at once: moving, the pandemic, three of my brothers dying, Brian’s treachery, and I didn’t know how to process it, and I was left alone.
This is also coming about at a time in our history where meanness is normalized and lying is a coveted trait. Just look at our president. We are watching the ultimate narcissist decimate our democracy and behave in ways that are not only shocking but damaging to society. So when my friend, whom I asked for an opinion about my blog, commented on the only post she read, the ”do the right thing” post, she said that I sounded angry and nobody cares about any of that. And you know, she may be right. Nobody cares, probably, maybe? When it was fresh, I would tell anyone who would listen what happened, and they would say things like, “Excuse me?” What did you say? Nobody could believe it, and what’s more? I kept telling it because I couldn’t believe it myself, and I figured if I asked the millionth time, maybe the answer would be different. I thought perhaps I was mistaken, but no, it was real, all of it. People didn’t like that story. The behavior of that nature scares people because it’s so dark and inhuman. So when my friend says I sounded angry, well, I was, and sometimes you need to get angry. I was furious, but I am past the anger part now, and it doesn’t matter to me who cares. I care, and it is part of my journey, revealing strength I didn’t know I possessed.
It has been four years without him and cancer. The universe has finally spared me both ills, not discriminating which was worse. To me, they are of equal wretchedness. Time is the great healer, and therapy was a good place to start. And, I read up on cluster B personality disorders. Acceptance and understanding lit the way. Learning about it and listening to other people’s accounts helped me understand that it wasn’t my fault, that I wasn’t alone, and that I wasn’t stupid for being involved with a skilled manipulator. Once I realized that expecting basic human decency from my partner was the norm, not being lied to, gaslit, used, and manipulated, and I deserved that, I started to move on.
It takes time to reprogram yourself. Oftentimes, you don’t realize the effects that the person with NPD has inflicted on you until it’s all over. The narcissistic person has been working on you the entire relationship, building up patterns that replay over and over. It is ingrained and takes time to process. That is why no contact is recommended. But once you realize that basic human decency is not something you will ever get from a narcissist, and it isn’t your fault, you have started to love yourself. Keep up the good work and watch what happens. This is genuine gratitude, the ability to love yourself. I had to heal my soul as well as my body, and I did, and I am still. Healing doesn’t just happen in a vacuum. It is an ongoing process, progress, not perfection. I had to be mad until I said “uncle,” and then it was easier. And I found that people do care, and that is what heals us, and that is why I can’t be silent.