Scanxiety

May 9, 2024

I didn’t actually break my promise to write every day; I just wrote on Quora. It is for my narcissistic abuse awareness support group. It has been a Godsend for me, as it has helped me process not only what happened but also understand myself better. And of course, it feels good to pour all of my sadness, confusion, and indignation out to people who understand. People who have been where I am. And it is good, but I have to start letting go of that crutch, too. I have to stop licking my wounds and begin realizing the gift the universe has given me. I am free. I am free to pursue a new and fulfilling life. Sometimes I am so lonely I don’t know what to do, but then I tell myself that this will pass. Be in the moment. Enjoy your own company; I do, and it does pass. Only by realizing this will I be able to really move on and self-actualize. Being alone with only respect for yourself is better than living with someone who is constantly thinking of ways to use you. I no longer have to live with any disrespect.

I would like to weigh in on my current situation. I am in remission. At least I think that is what you call my status with this disease. My mammogram and ultrasound were unchanged. I suppose that means they do not see any pathology at this time. I am grateful for that, but the real stuff is yet to come. I have to go for CT scans of my chest and pelvis, and a bone scan. So far, I haven’t been too nervous about it, but I must admit the closer the tests get, the more scared I get. I have decided to try to take whatever comes with some grace, as that may be the impression I leave the world with. I have made a mess of my life. I am trying to work all of that out, but for now, I am trying to have faith in my higher power and trust that I am where I am supposed to be. I will probably always have a low-level fear, especially at scan time. It is called scanxiety, and the fear is real.

I would also like to comment on the political world. I woke up this morning listening to NPR as I do every morning, and I heard Trump’s hideous voice shouting at a political rally in between court dates with Stormy Daniels’ hush money trial. I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. He is screeching about having more indictments than Al Capone. Was I hallucinating? No, he actually said this. The former president of the United States, running again and sinking to these childish, rude, mean-spirited, adolescent tactics to rile up the MAGA-Americans into a frenzy for Trumpty Dumpty. It is astounding to me just how low-brow people can be. DJT is the biggest narcissist I have ever seen, with the exception of my ex, who was covert, and DJT, who is grandiose. I have never seen such mental illness in my life. But the scary part is the people who embrace this insanity.

Who am I to judge? Because I have a shred of decency and all my life I have wanted to believe that people are inherently good and want to do good for themselves and others, until you meet a narcissist. Are we creating a world of narcissists or narcissist lovers? People who outwardly wouldn’t be this outrageous or cruel but who love to cheer on a pariah like Trump? They get worked up at the hatred, lies, and bravado, and eat it like it’s caviar. But in reality, they are too cowardly themselves to be so hateful; egged on, however, is another story. We live in a world of uncertainty, which makes people uneasy and scared. This is where they become easy to coerce.

Saturday, October 19, 2024

It has been a couple of weeks since I wrote here. I have been dealing with scary stuff- cancer. I was to see my oncologist in July and had to get all the perfunctory scans, CT, and bone scans. I have been getting my mammograms and ultrasounds on my breasts all along (what’s left of my left breast). But this is the first time since I ended treatments. Treatments include chemo, radiation, and surgery, and then the other drug, Verzenio, which works on inhibiting cancer cell growth in some way that I don’t fully understand. My oncologist felt I was a good candidate for this new drug. So far, immunotherapy doesn’t work for my kind of cancer yet. All I know is I had diarrhea for two years from that stuff.  And although I did all of my treatments locally, my family convinced me to go see a specialist in a place where, if God forbid, my cancer shows up somewhere else, I am in a place that is constantly working on other types of treatments with clinical trials, etc. My oncologist agreed with all of the treatments the local oncologist provided me, but she was happy I am now with them.

So I scheduled all the tests, which is tricky because you have to time them right. They have to be within a certain time period. In the meantime, my back, right leg, and shoulder are all bothering me a lot. I’ve had arthritis in my back for a long time, and I had a bad knee injury back in 2003, but now everything seems to hurt a lot more, and all of it. Then the results appear in my chart, and of course, I read them. Big mistake. This is the first time since I finished all my treatments, and I have had scans that were looking for cancer in places besides my breasts. And some of the language in the radiologist’s interpretation was pretty scary. “Gross enlargement of the T10 vertebrae, severe degenerative disease in L2-L5, and suspicion of metastases. Naturally, it scared the shit right out of me and put me in a low level of anxiety. I emailed my doctor, and she got me in right away. She looked at the scans and explained to me that they had to say that, as they always want another opinion and interpretation of the findings. The CT scan also showed lots of arthritis and other stuff going on in my shoulder. She did not think it was cancer that had spread, but because I was in so much discomfort, she wanted me to have an MRI of my whole spine and shoulder. The MRI of my spine showed lots of degenerative disease but no cancer. The shoulder, on the other hand, lacked sufficient information, and since I was in so much pain, she wanted me to see the spine team at Perlmutter.

I saw Dr. Fabbri and showed him the X-ray. He did not like the look of the bone marrow in my right humerus, and since I was having so much pain in my shoulder, and what I thought was my arm, which turned out to be pain that radiated from the shoulder. He had me get an MRI of my right humerus to rule out a bone lesion. This added to my anxiety level significantly. I was scared to death and in pain. Cancer is the gift that keeps on giving, and my brother reminded me of what the doctor said. I have been through a lot of tough treatment, and it has been hard on my body. 

I finally get all the scans and go to the city to see Dr. Fabbri, the shoulder guy, and then Dr. Laufer, who is the spinal neurologist and specializes in tumors of the spine. I liked Dr. Fabbri very much. He did rule out metastasis in my right humerus and told me he did not need to see me again. I do have to find a shoulder guy and a spine guy. Dr. Laufer could not upload my scans, so he read the written report and did a quick exam of me. Apparently, I am not degenerative enough for him to spend any more time on me. He said he would give me a script for PT, and that was that. Unless I had metastatic disease or tumors in my spine, he was not the person for me to see. At first, I was extremely disappointed as I thought he would look at my MRIs and give me some more detailed information and instructions, but that was not to be. I am just going to have to find another doctor. I think I will start with my shoulder. I am going to call a doctor who my brother went to school with. He is supposed to be a good shoulder guy.

At any rate, once I got it through my head that I did not have cancer eating me alive, I was grateful. I now have to take care of myself. It’s a lifelong process, and I have issues. I’m getting older, that’s all right now.