Do It For Yourself
Part of my “healing journey” has been to be more mindful and more self-aware. I posted about it a few back. Being conscious is never a bad thing, but it will not solve all your problems. It will make you more aware of your thoughts and behaviors and can help keep you from reacting too quickly and for the wrong reasons. You can decide how you want to proceed in any situation, but how you behave doesn’t always have the effect you might want from another person. You only have control over yourself and your actions. You can be as mindful as you want, but if the other person isn’t tuned into what you are, it doesn’t matter how self-aware, conscious, and kind you are. Certain people can’t pick up on these subtleties, and you have to remember that it isn’t you.
What I have noticed about myself is that I have been endlessly trying to work on myself, hoping to improve…The question is, what am I trying to improve? I can list the obvious things, like controlling my emotional responses, thinking before I speak, and if you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all. Then there is the fact that I feel I have to analyze everything that I think, say, and do. Why? So, I don’t offend anyone? People say and do things every single day without thinking, and if they do, they don’t care. So, why then do I? Because I want to have manners and compassion, no matter what anyone else does or thinks. I want to live in civility. I have tried all my life to live by the principle that if I can’t help another person, at least do no harm, but not everyone lives by that philosophy.
I have tried to be extra mindful around one person in particular, and it made absolutely no difference in this person’s behavior toward me. We were talking about something we disagreed on, and the person almost went into a trance trying to convince themselves their point of view was the correct one. My mindfulness practice told me not to react so that we could move on. Sometimes being right isn’t as important as peace and happiness. The point is, I am self-aware, but that doesn’t mean anybody else is. This was a case in point.
I am moving towards understanding myself better because the other way I was living wasn’t working. Knowing that I have problems with boundaries would have been useful when I was constantly being manipulated. And if everything is put into a neat package that can be identified and labeled, like codependent, narcissist, and trauma bonding, then we can find a term or label to fix it. One of the hardest things I deal with is always thinking that I didn’t do something right, or that I wasn’t enough to save the day, or the person, or whatever. This feeling of failure seeps into your psyche, no matter what you know intellectually, and tell yourself. Of course, it’s a setup for failure before it even begins, but you try anyway. Are having healthy boundaries going to save you? Maybe. But there are a couple of problems here. Understanding that you have a right to your boundaries is the first step. The second step is having the courage to enforce those boundaries. It would also be good to enforce them before you reach critical mass or before you’ve been triggered into an inappropriate response.
I practice mindfulness because I want to feel in control, and I know that it will keep me morally centered. If I am mindful of my thoughts and actions and make it just part of who I am, I won’t constantly feel the need for self-improvement. A peaceful, mindful existence is what I want to manifest for myself. And every day is a new day filled with new opportunities. I got to start again today and be a better person than I was yesterday. But even if I am not better than yesterday, I’m perfect just as I am at this moment. It doesn’t matter why you choose to do the right thing; you do it because it feels good. You do it so you don’t become like “them.” You do it for you, and there is nothing better than you.