Pink Me

As I sat in the crowded waiting room at Perlmutter, I felt more at ease than in the past. It was crazy busy, and people of all shapes and sizes filled every spot. I wondered who they all were and what kind of cancer they had. There was a man sitting across from me who looked interesting. He was tall, bald, and had on red sneakers on steroids. I know I am getting better if I can look at a man with any interest other than a passing glance. But then his wife appeared after her blood draw and sat next to him. She had on a little knit hat to cover her baldness. We struck up a conversation, learned about each other’s diagnoses and treatments, and found that we have the same kind of breast cancer and stage, and we were both patients of Dr. O. They were probably a few years younger than me, but close enough in age for us to relate. He was so sweet to her. He put on a goofy, pointed Santa hat and fussed over her without smothering her. I felt a pang of sadness as I watched this intimacy. Seeing a man supporting his partner through the most unimaginable situation with tenderness and presence, and despite the seriousness of it all, I felt happiness for her and for them. She will be ok, and I realized then that I was meant to walk this path alone, and I am ok with it now. As long as I get to witness beauty like these two, I have hope.

Dr. O didn’t say, and I should have asked, but didn’t, I think I am officially in remission. It was different this time. My appointment didn’t even start with a blood draw, now, only once a year. Next month, I will be in year five since my last treatment. Last year was challenging as I had a couple of scares of the cancer spreading to my bones, but here I am today alive and well. I am currently on a six-month visit rotation instead of three months. It’s funny, the ritual of coming into the city to see the doctor has been comforting to me, and I will miss it even tho it was an ordeal. I suppose because my disease didn’t progress and I had good outcomes, that had something to do with it. Maybe it’s all just random, and this experience will send me down another path. Stay tuned…Right now, I am numb.