Progressing

 Thursday, March 21, 2024

I will continue with that part of my life, but not right now. I am not in a place where I want to pontificate on my relationship with my ex anymore. I’ve reached a point where I just don’t want to read about all the shitty, scummy things that narcs, particularly Brian, do. It does me no good to linger on these things at this point in my life. His mental illness is what drives his behaviors, and he has exhibited all the traits since day one. I learned it, accepted it, and now it is time to move on and be grateful I am free.

What I need and want to do is manifest a new image of myself. I’ve been totally alone for the last two and a half years, and I’ve needed that time to find out who I really am. My whole life has been spent mired in mentally ill people coming in and out of my life. Mental illnesses that included: depression, anxiety, addiction, and cluster B personality disorders. It’s taken its toll! And mental illness is not just for lowly people who have problems holding a job and taking care of themselves, like Brian. My old boyfriend from long ago was a successful professional person with his own business. He was a veterinarian, and I was desperately in love with him. I tend to be very enthusiastic about my relationships, and when I love someone, well, it’s no secret, let’s put it that way. He was just as affected by his past and by growing up as Brian, but he had other advantages that some do not. But he still had his own issues, which I did not understand and kept us from a legitimate relationship. It matters not; I no longer need validation from anyone except myself, and there will be no stopping me.

At any rate, I am trying to explore new challenges for the future. I want to find a part-time job for when I retire.  I love to write, and I would love a job where I’m assigned a job and get to be creative to make it work. I am not against the idea of freelancing, but we shall see. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my job at Moxie, but my creative side is bursting free.  Moxie hired me as a cancer survivor and an older person, and I intend to make my territory respected and profitable. They believed in me at a time when it was so important for me to feel valuable again, and I want to live up to that. But I am going to need a little more security when I do, and this might be just what I need. It is funny because I no longer have any freeloader men in my life, yet I am not financially secure enough. How did I do it before? So, the next couple of days, I am going to investigate writing gigs to see what is out there. Who knows where this could lead?

December 5, 2025, Update: I wrote this in my journal last year, and Pink Dog Days is live. This is in no way a writing career, but I did it, and I made it. Yay Me!