Early Recovery
February 10, 2022
Good morning! I haven’t written in my journal in a while, but I have been writing. I have been working on creating a new blog and writing about my breakup with Brian. It was so unbelievable that I could not process it. He has been gone almost 5 months, and I am still bleeding emotional blood all over the place, and I am finally so sick of it that I am creating a plan for myself. As a side note, I went on a dating website to try to distract myself from all the drama and heartache. Big mistake. Naturally, I used pictures from before my cancer treatment took all of my hair and turned me into a skeleton and shell of my former self. Dating websites are a job in and of themselves. You have to monitor them and play the little flirty games. It is like going to a store and shopping for a man. I had a few guys interested, and it was kind of fun to banter with them, but do they really want to get to know you? I sifted through literally hundreds of pictures, just keeping my finger on the delete button.
Then this one guy reached out to me, and he seemed normal and sane. We messaged a couple of days, and then one day, I did not hear from him. I decided to forget it and put my phone away. I was not going to get addicted to this stupid site and trading one obsession for another. Nope, not doing it. The next morning, he messaged me, and we exchanged phone numbers, and he texted me. Then he texted me later in the day and sent some recent pictures of himself. I sent some, but one was with my wig on, and the other I had a hat. I decided to send him recent pictures of myself, and once we met in person, I would tell him about my cancer. I figured it wasn’t right to play games or be evasive. What is the point of that? I sent ones from my birthday at the end of September. My hair had just started to grow back. It was short and dark with light gray highlights. I thought it looked nice, and I had filled out quite a bit. I thought he was a nice guy, and he would at least meet me for coffee. He never responded to my text. He must have taken a look at those pictures and said, Whoa, how hideous. So, I deleted him from my phone and deactivated my account on the dating website. I had no business on a dating site or even thinking about a relationship.
It made me feel ugly and brought up all those feelings I had when I found out that Brian had deserted me right in the middle of my treatments and married someone else. I know my sickness repulsed him, and he had to get away from me. I started to spiral again, and I thought, No, you’re not going to sit on the pity pot over this. You are just supposed to be doing something else. So, as I lay in bed last night thinking myself to sleep, I thought you need to put everything you have into your writing and get your blog up and going. This could be the greatest year of my life, but I have to flush the negativity and past trauma out of my very being to be the best that I can be. I need this more than I need anything, and if I focus on being successful, I can be what I want to be.
Today I am grateful for my new friend who is going to meet me for a walk. She is also a cancer survivor, and she had breast cancer 20 years ago, which recently came back. She has just finished her treatments again with the dreaded Taxol. That is the chemo that made me so sick. In addition, I will do my second day of yoga. I used to be a devoted yogi, but after Covid and cancer, I stopped practicing, and I figured I could only be my best self by taking care of myself. I vow to do these few things every day: practice yoga, walk my dogs, write something, and try to look my best. I need to have pride in who I am. I know I am kind, loving, loyal, generous, honest, fun-loving, creative, and capable. Yes, I do have faults, but I am focusing on the positive right now lol.
Update November 25, 2025
I have mostly kept these promises to myself. It wasn’t difficult. I am a devoted yogi, and even when I was so sick and going through treatment, I always tried to look decent. Much has happened in the last three years, and I finally made this blog live last week. It took me a lot longer to heal than I expected, and I will never be the same again, but I have made significant improvements to myself and my life and will continue to try to do so as long as I am alive.